Unbelievable

I am sitting in an office, waiting, while Sarah takes a neuro/cognitive test.  I am not supposed to be in the room, but Sarah demanded that I stay.  She is furious with me for "making" her  do this, she took it in January, but she was very sick then.  This test will help determine whether she needs any extra time on her school work.  So basically this testing will benefit her in the future.  I know she is mad at me because I did not  consult her about the timing of this test, at least that is how she remembers it.
The car ride here almost put me over the edge, it took over an hour of sitting in traffic to get here, it should have taken no more than 20 minutes!!  While sitting in traffic we listened to music, there was a song with lyrics that went, "I feel like I am living someone else's life" that is how I feel most days.  I have trouble recognizing myself sometimes, how did I get to this place ?  Why can't I make my kids happy, no matter how hard I try ?  What happened to my "empty nest?" it feels so crowded at times, I just want to jump out and run away.  I can't and I won't, but boy would I like to!!  Which brings me to a discovery I made yesterday; I was searching the Internet and stumbled upon something called, "Dammit Dolls". They are these cute little rag dolls, accompanied by a poem, that help you release stress and frustrations ! Sounds perfect for me, so I made my own pattern, searched through my stash of fabric, and in about 2 hours I had 3 new little friends!! I will post pictures when I get back home.
Back to the here and now; being back at Overlook Hospital brings to mind so many memories of the past 9 months.  Some days it feels like an eternity has passed since that fateful day back in January, other days it feels like time is standing still.  I wish I could better express how unbelievable this time has been.  While I know how much has been accomplished since Sarah's diagnosis, there are days when I feel like someone has pushed the "pause" button on my life.  The only comfort I have, is knowing that Sarah is so much better, so I must have been doing something productive, even though some days it doesn't feel that way.  Any way, those are all the things that I am pondering, while I wait and silently watch Sarah take this series of tests.  I really need a cup of coffee, I wonder how she will react if I leave for a few minutes?  Any guesses???  I'll let you know.  :)